3 Weeks and change later…
Before I really get started, I should note that there was a reason why I didn’t label this “General Discussion”, but instead “WIP & Critique”. I was critiquing what I saw, both externally and internally. I knew the want of my ambition could get the better of me if I let it, but I didn’t know that it already had. With the all knowing retrospect, it is very obvious to me now as I view my late 2017 posts of the amount of anticipation I had at finally being able to focus my creative endeavors towards my ultimate goal. And… that what I wanted to do was so beyond the scope of me, my current resources and available support. I’m not alone, but it can sure feel like it sometimes.
Ya know, believe it or not, I’m not actually this wordy face to face. I just, I didn’t understand and I hated it. I still hate it, gets me out of bed. If I’m guilty of anything in these posts here, it’s of caring too much, and not knowing enough – thinking enough – to do something more then just write. To post what I see, to check what I see, for lack of knowing what to say.
I’m putting this final follow up here because, well, there is always something more to learn. These words are for any forthcoming newcomers in the event they…er…“you” are going through the same mental hurdles as I have. Just because it’s an internal battle doesn’t mean you have to fight it alone. In my foolish(?) honesty I hope that I can connect and help save others of the same fog I had meandered into. At least I hope can deliver a better tone in this one.
If this can help others, well then ALL this will be worth it twice over.
Yet enough reminiscing, I’ve got digital things to try and blow up in a good way. If you want to skip the overall explanation, and get to the golden egg of this text, the lesson learned is in the TL;DR.
So… what happened? Well, first I should speak of the obvious. Bgolus and his laser aimed posts helped incalculably well. By being able to see the root of my frustration, that of my preconceptions, and pointing out how I was choosing to interpret data was in error, gave me just enough of a mental nudge. It gave me EXACTLY what I needed for me to break out of my stupor. To figure and solve the problems in DOING that had been plaguing me to a point of concern on multiple fronts. It’s not a cure all, but it helped a lot.
My wires were truly crossed, more then I knew. Among personal details, dates, and time its self (as it is kind of weird being “old” and still young at the same time); I made some presumptions without realizing I had made them. Presumptions I had made VERY early on, that I didn’t even think to update as it was a bedrock thought buried and numbed under the next point here. There was (and still kind of is as I am fighting it,) a huge battle between what I WANT to do, and what I know how to do right now. It’s nothing new, but I’ve never been this close before either. Plus, my existing knowledge made this feeling of want worse. I want to make what I want to make NOW! Due to my schooling, I had become used to being able to do in immediacy various other 3D aspects and that effected by judgment on this one. In short; it sucks going from knowing how to do things without thinking about it to “Uhhhhhhhhh”.
There was also this intense urge to try and make big amazing stuff that is way beyond me in the moment, in part because it’s all around me. I see what so many of the experts know how to make, that I go “OH! I want to do that!” and I trip over my own feet. I had to remind myself to take it a step at a time. Wax on. Wax off. AGAIN! Wax on. Wax off. When you get a new toy, you want to try it out! Since we make our toys, I wanted to make what I saw, regardless the what. So with all the wizz and bang around me, well…
…in comparison, making a shader for a TV effect…
Large .gifv
…or Shimmering Material “Fields”…
…seem boring in comparison. If you want to be miserable compare yourself to someone else. These things are not the smooth scripted randomness of a VFX motion-blended smoke or rendered simmed flips of flame nor really much anything aggressive in context. Nothing is blowing up or displaying vast amounts of anticipatory energy – then a pay off. This along with the want of “get-a-VFX-job-and-do-it-now” hanging over my head did not do me so well. “If employers can do this, then how do I get seen?” is the trap I fell into, even though I knew better. I myself have told others to,“Do good work, and trust the rest will happen” which I have found to be often true. But… dam it. I knew not to fall in and did anyway. My ambition lead me astray.
It’s not JUST about the big booms and the flashy effects that OOh and Ahh. Thus, I became myopic (shortsighted) about particle systems. Even though I did all I could to “see” what I in my current skillset should be doing, it is only now where I finally see what I knew all along but had made my self blind to. All from foolish preconception. OH! The learning process. There is shit on my shoe, and I made a darn fool of myself, but it was worth it. No regrets.
This is what I have learned. This is my warning (& TL;DR) to those newcomers who seek this path as I do. Be it as STRONGLY as I do, or in a more casual sense.
What you need to figure out is with what I (I being YOU) DO know, WHAT I CAN MAKE? THEN BUILD FROM THAT POINT. Once you’ve become comfortable with that, figure out how to become uncomfortable. What is the next advanced step? What are you uncomfortable making? Then you do the whole rounds again. Step by Step. It’s not a race, even if it is. You need to be able to do it first.
Don’t try to do it all at once. I, @Mez, tried to do this, and all I’ve learned is in the air still. I currently have nothing to ground it as it is too advanced over my head. Knowledge that you know that you don’t know how to use is of little momentary worth. I’ve wasted time learning things I “can’t use” right now. That’s not to say that ambition is a bad thing, but if you let it get too far too fast, you’ll hurt yourself. You can’t get that time back. Here I, @Mez, wanted to SAVE time… heh… woops. >_<
It didn’t.
_
It is… so simple. Thing is, I knew this too, but I just got totally lost in the noise of my ambition. Don’t make my mistake.
For those of you here VIA – TL;DR, that is all.
It is because of these realizations that I made the above examples simply because I could, to see how far I know and I toned down (slightly) the harshest critic that any artist knows. This little thing I made is ok, as – I made something. Build with it. Copy it, and do something else with it. Then do it again. How can you make this small thing better? That’s what those “Field” things are above. Just playing with nodes and shaders in Unreal 4. I know I have a degree of affinity with Materials/Uvs, so I’ll see to get more advanced in that part, and see what I can do in the particle systems.
Having said all that, I still have a degree of concern of how teaching is done through the internet. It’s a shame my choice of words and (due to current means) format did not (apparently?) resonate as well as I had wished, but it’s OK. As I climb up the ranks, be it with my bare hands and/or the help of others, I’ll be sure to make some tutorials myself when the time comes I feel strong enough to do so and throw down a rope. Fill in the gaps that seem unmet.
Maybe even a little before.
But first…
…alright @Mez…
…shut up…
_
…and wiggle your big toe.
That is not what I meant. 